Why it wasn’t worth losing a team of efficient slaves over the 10 plagues

Tonight as you sit down to your Seder and allow/force your thoughts to drift off whilst your Great Aunt explains the colour of the shoes she bought at the Forever 21 sale, your younger sister starts looking for the Afikomen before it has even been hidden and your Dad laboriously divides the Seder service into exact equal parts so that everyone at the table says an identical number of syllables, perhaps you will think about the fact that the story currently being told to you (not the one about the shoes, but the Pesach story) is almost definitely probably kind of slightly exaggerated.

Water into blood? The parting of the sea? Surely not. But here I explain to you not only how each of these plagues in fact did occur, but also the fact that the Egyptians really had nothing to complain about and should have stood up to the plagues, rather than go running to their Mummies.

1. Water into Blood: Well this one is the classic. As for this being any kind of issue, well there are more drinks in the world than water actually. A nice refreshing glass of squeezed OJ. A deliciously flavoursome and highly damaging Coca Cola. A thirst quenching pint of Heineken. Even a shot of Espresso is sometimes more preferable than a bottle of water. No problems here. Oh and how it happened? Not really sure. This is an annoying one to start with because it’s hard to explain – probably food colouring – but trust me the rest of the explanations are way more on the ball.

2. Frogs: I am surprised this needs any kind of explanation, so instead I’ll make it interactive. Step 1: Go to your nearest pond. Step 2: Look in and around it. Step 3: See a frog. Why the Egyptians found this disturbing isn’t for me to answer. Sure, frogs aren’t the most fantastically attractive of creatures (why do you think so many of them decide to turn into Princes?) but I really wouldn’t let a team of slaves go just to get rid of some frogs.

3. Lice: When I was 5, there was a head lice outbreak at my primary school. It wasn’t pleasant – dangerously sharp, finely toothed combs being brandished like Light Sabres at a Star Wars convention, the smell of shampoo in the corridors and pandemonium amongst the parents as to whose kid started it (it was Stinky Simon). By the end of the weekend however, the problem was pretty much sorted. In summary, this plague is nothing a large dose of Head & Shoulders can’t fix.

4. Wild Beasts: Whilst I will accept that a bunch of lions and tigers wandering around the streets isn’t the most comforting of images, a few tranquiliser guns and a well-staffed zoo should do the trick. If anything, they could have been used to inject the Egyptian tourism industry with some much needed life. Missed opportunity? Yes. Damaging plague? No.

5. Cattle Plague: Anybody remember 2002? There was a fantastic World Cup and some other irrelevant stuff probably happened, including the outbreak of a disease called Foot and Mouth. The only way in which it affected me was having to sanitise my shoes when I went to a horse race one time, but the fact remains that animals were unfortunately dying all over the place and nobody called it a plague. In terms of dealing with it, I don’t eat meat and I do just fine and, let’s be honest, with the quality of falafel they’ve got out there in the Middle East, I really don’t think this was too much of a blow.

6. Boils: We’ve all been there guys. T-zone on the forehead and nose, that annoying occasional outbreak on the cheeks, those spots that appear post-shave. It’s all about cleansing your pores, cutting down on greasy food and not going through puberty. Free-Derm, Ultraclear, Clearasil, just go into the local chemist and take your pick. Spots happen, deal with it.

7. Hail: I used to live in Sweden and over there, it hails a whole damn lot. Sometimes its called snow, sometimes its called hail, sometimes its called white rain (possibly not true). They build houses out of snow, drive snow to work and eat snow for lunch. They absolutely love it. And you know what? In a dry desert-land like Egypt, I’d personally have thought a bit of precipitation would be something to cry joyfully at rather than complain about. “Arable crops and an increase in export productivity here we come!” translated into Hieroglyphics, or something along those lines.

8. Locusts: Now I’ve never actually seen a live locust so I just Googled them and they don’t look very nice. The explanation part comes from the fact that I was able to Google them and they exist, because the internet never lies. It’s harder to say that they aren’t a big deal when I’ve never met one, don’t grow crops myself and they seem pretty nasty on this video I just watched on YouTube. But at the end of the day, a bug is a bug so get over it. “They’re probably more scared of you than you are of them” kinda thing.

9. Darkness: I mean REALLY. 24 hours of darkness. Is that IT?! For the 9th plague. We’re nearly at the end and then this?! I mean, we have just had locusts which I already admitted was the worst one so far, so personally I see this as a disappointing regression. Firstly, for almost the entirety of December it is completely dark in many parts of Finland, Russia and Norway. The 20 or so people who live up there don’t mind at all. Secondly, it was probably just an eclipse, which is an epic historical event (although never look directly at an eclipse because you can still get sun-damaged eyes. See, you’re learning something here!) Lastly, darkness = bars open = party.

10. Killing of the first born son: Hmmm, I wasn’t relishing getting to this. Explanation wise, it’s quite hard to think of anything, and I also don’t feel very comfortable saying that it’s not a big deal. I mean I guess it worked because then Pharaoh let the slaves go. I always felt it seems a little extreme. It would have been better to make all the first born sons unable to get it up in the bedroom. That would have been embarrassing and slightly more amusing when your grandma reads that part at the Seder table.

11? Then they parted the Red Sea. To be honest they probably just got a tourist boat from Sharm El Sheik to Eilat with a bunch of elderly tourists – I’ve heard it’s a great day trip if you’re ever in the region, by the way.

Happy Pesach everyone! And watch out for locusts, I just watched the video again and they look literally horrendous.