The Irony of the Globe

I am currently looking at a map of the world and I am really, REALLY confused.

In the last few days a volcano erupted on Iceland, which for those of you mothers reading this whose indoctrination at the hands of the frozen food supermarket chain has rendered you incapable of considering the name anything other than said frozen food supermarket, is a pointless little island north of everywhere, marooned in the northern Atlantic and most resembling a small floaty piece of excrement that is just wandering around the toilet bowl waiting to be flushed. In an ironic turn of semantics, ICEland is actually host to a whole plethora of giant volcanoes which, far from being cold, are immensely hot and filled with magma hotter than a candid iphone photo of Pippa Middleton’s fully clothed ass. These volcanoes arent like the cute ones in Italy that we study in year 9 geography along with other geographically relevant topics (such as construction work in 70’s Benidorm and the Favelas of Rio de Janeiro, considered relevant I’m assuming because they happen to take place on Earth) but are in fact monstrous beasts which spew out their contents faster than the girl from the Exorcist after a massive night out.

And so last April, one of the volcanoes, with a name which is LITERALLY something like fjdksal;fjdsalk;fsa (No I didn’t just mash the keyboard, in Icelandic a semi-colon makes a ‘-ch’ sound) decided to erupt and everyone went ‘oooooh’ and ‘ahhhhh’ and finally ‘AAARRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!’ as we first gazed upon the epic work of mother nature in the plumes of picturesque mushrooming smoke, and were then treated to the revelation that the ash from the eruption was in fact going to cover the whole of Europe’s airspace for a fortnight thus grounding every single plane. It has now happened again and the same situation has arisen although at time of writing on a smaller scale.

Now back to the map of the world. Even though I have spent a whole paragraph above extolling these devastating cones of fury, I cannot help but look at the ridiculous distance that the ash has to travel from Iceland to get anywhere near the next signs of civilisation (it’s actually quite near Greenland but I can only assume nobody lives there because it’s coloured in grey which seems to suggest its entirely made out of ice. What is with the flawed country names in this remote region? Greenland isn’t green – it’s Icey. Iceland isn’t Icey – it’s a pile of shit and so should be brown in colour).

Iceland has literally just plopped itself in the middle of nowhere up north and built up this volcano army without anyone noticing, and then caused trouble from afar, and yet there are no retaliatory measures, nothing. It is basically a terrorists DREAM to halt all air traffic and all they would have had to do was colonise Iceland and then claim they made the volcano erupt and hey presto! statement made. Western world in chaos. Middle East laughing because they don’t have volcanoes over there, they just have sandstorms which blind the camels and the magic carpet drivers.

Now some of you might be saying “well it’s all well and good you complaining about this, but how about a suggestion to solve the problem?!”
WELL IT’S YOUR LUCKY DAY, because my suggestion is that we just nuclear bomb Iceland into the sea.

Obviously, although I harbour a vast dislike for anyone Icelandic because I still secretly think they control the volcanoes, we can’t just kill them all because that would be hypocritical (and also completely unwarranted genocide). We just move them all to northern Scandinavia, which to be honest would look the same (snow is snow) and would even be an upgrade because it’s slightly less cold and also they get to be part of a very strong economy instead of a totally collapsed one which is also something that happened in Iceland, JUST WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?! And once they are all relocated, THEN we nuke the now unpopulated volcano-land, and then go ‘oooooooh’ and ‘ahhhhhhh’ as we gaze upon the epic work of mother-technology in the plumes of picturesque mushrooming smoke, and we dont go ‘AAAARRRRGHHHHH!!!!’ because the nuclear fallout wont reach anywhere populated.

However, until my idea is taken up by someone with a bomb at their disposal, we will just have to put up with the chaos and misery afforded to us by Iceland. Ah well, at least they do 3 frozen pizzas for the price of 2.